Where Am I?
I haven’t blogged, really blogged in a while. I’m sitting here at my mom’s this morning and find that I have a few minutes before she gets out of the shower and I can go catch up on the sleep I didn’t get last night.
I saw the psychiatrist last Friday and was put on Zoloft. Thank God! The side effects have been kind of crappy, but they seem to be evening out just a bit. Monday was a great day until I got to work. I am determined to order my day step by step because I think that routine will help me keep things straight and get more done. That certainly worked on Monday. I think I was actually able to relax a bit before going to work. I came home to a tidy house and few chores to do.
Work was a chore. I found myself having a tough time organizing my thoughts and getting things going. It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop shaking. Another happy side effect. I left work anxious, obsessing, and discouraged.
This particular Tuesday and Wednesday, the kids and I are having a little mini-break holiday at my mom’s house. A holiday is the nice way of putting it. I needed my mom to watch the kids on Tuesday and Wednesday and so we decided to spend the night rather than make the drive from our house to mom’s twice in one day. How absurd is that! I’ve had to uproot my kids for over 24 hours just to work 7 hours over two days. Lame. But, I’m pretty sure the Lord has been teaching me that it does no good to complain and that I do a lot of complaining.
What has the Lord been teaching me? To be honest, I don’t know. I find that, in times like these, I fall back on what I know is true about the Lord. I know He has not left me. I know that He is faithful and that His ways are not my ways. I know that trial produces perseverance and that perseverence produces faith. I know that Christ died for my sins and that His righteousness has been imputed to me and that I have been forgiven of my sins. And none of it makes me feel any better.
So where am I? I’m getting help for my mental illness. Check. I’m starting to think I need help for what spiritually ails me as well.
A Meme
4 JOBS I’VE HAD:
1. Tax Professional
2. Ride Operator at Disneyland
3. Secretary
4. Customer Service Agent
4 MOVIES WATCHED OVER AND OVER
1. You’ve Got Mail
2. Gone With the Wind
3. Pride and Prejudice (BBC Version- is there any other?)
4. Little Women
4 PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
1. Colorado
2. England
3. California
4. Various places while on vacation
4 SHOWS I WATCH:
1. Battlestar Galactica (the new version)
2. The Biggest Loser
3. Survivor
4. America’s Next Top Model
4 PLACES I HAVE BEEN:
1. England
2. Israel
3. Germany
4. France
4 PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME:
1. My mom
2. My best friend
3. Facebook
4. My pastor’s wife
4 FAVORITE THINGS TO EAT:
1. Pasta!
2. HUGE salads
3. Cake
4. Grandma’s Potato Ribble Soup
4 PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE:
1. I
2. really
3. can’t
4. think of a place
4 THINGS I LOOK FORWARD TO THIS YEAR:
1. The cruise with my hubby!
2. What my kids are going to learn
3. Getting through all the crap and coming out the other side
4. New possibilities I don’t want to mention yet…
Happy Birthday, My Darling Firstborn
Today is Grace’s 4th birthday in Heaven. I write about her every year. The very short story is that she had a terminal chromosomal disorder which prevented her from growing bigger than 15-16 weeks gestation. She was 20 weeks 5 days gestation when she was born.
Ironically, there is a beautiful song in “Sweeney Todd” that captures my feelings about Grace as of late. Sweeney is longing to know his daughter, but fears that he never will. He sings this beautiful ballad to her and I thought the words would be appropriate for today…
Johanna
And are you beautiful and pale,
With yellow hair, like her
I’d want you beautiful and pale,
The way I’ve dreamed you were, Johanna…
And if you’re beautiful, what then,
With yellow hair, like wheat?
I think we shall not meet again —
My little dove, my sweet Johanna…
Goodbye, Johanna.
You’re gone, and yet you’re mine.
I’m fine, Johanna, I’m fine!
And if I never hear your voice,
My turtledove, my dear,
I still have reason to rejoice:
The way ahead is clear, Johanna…
And in that darkness when I’m blind
With what I can’t forget — It’s always morning in my mind,
My little lamb, my pet, Johanna…
You stay, Johanna
The way I’ve dreamed you are
Oh look Johanna! A star! A shooting star!
And though I’ll think of you, I guess, until the day I die,
I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by,
Johanna…
And you’d be beautiful and pale,
And look too much like her.
If only angels could prevail,
We’d be the way we were, Johanna…
Wake up, Johanna! Another bright red day!
We learn, Johanna, to say goodbye!
The difference between Sweeney’s longing and mine is that I know I will meet my daughter when I go to meet the Lord. It is part of my glorious hope.
“I Can’t Get No Relief”
I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. It usually only manifests itself in times of stress. I have a difficult time describing what its like to live with this mental illness, but I finally came up with something this weekend. When I have an outbreak of obsessive thoughts, those thoughts are like background music in my mind. Sometimes I can tune it out and sometimes I can’t. When I can’t, I panic and engage in my compulsive behavior- checking. Or I have a full on panic attack.
This week, the background has been turned up full blast. I’m seeing a psychiatrist ASAP to get some help.
My Theme Song
This seems to be a running theme in my life… perhaps, it is my theme song…
- Aum bhoor bhuwah swaha,
- Tat savitur varenyam
- Bhargo devasaya dheemahi
- Dhiyo yo naha prachodayat
It has many translations, but the most common is:
- Oh God! Thou art the Giver of Life,
- Remover of pain and sorrow,
- The Bestower of happiness,
- Oh! Creator of the Universe,
- May we receive thy supreme sin-destroying light,
- May Thou guide our intellect in the right direction.
Okay, so very astute readers may recognize the sanskrit words as the theme from Battlestar Galactica, starting in Season 2. I think the English translation fits my own life, my own outlook, my own past so well.
No New Amazement
I never ceased to be amazed by the things we Christians find to complain about.
Grocery Savings Week 1!!
I don’t have pictures of all my stuff, but I wanted to list what I bought and my savings along with what I’ve learned on my first frugal shopping adventure.
3 Boxes General Mills Cereal
1 Box GM Cashew Bars
2 Boxes Quaker Oatmeal
1 can black beans
Multigrain tortillas
Corn Tortillas
Whipping Cream
10 Yoplait Yogurts
1 Gallon 1% Milk
5lbs Bananas
3lbs Fuji Apples
5lb Bag of Russet Potatoes
Total BEFORE Club and Coupons: $68.08
Club Card Savings: $22.80
Coupon Savings: $10.45
Total Savings: $33.25
That’s a 49% savings!! Okay, I’m stoked and SOLD on this! I had coupons for the cereal and the bars, the oatmeal, tortillas, and the yogurt. The oatmeal was buy one get one free, so I got 2 boxes of oatmeal for $3.64. The yogurt turned out to be about $3.00 for ten because I had a double coupon and they were on sale. I did the General Mills 4 boxes for $4 deal. I feel pretty good about all this.
I’ve got my ads to go through to plan our menu for the next week. Fortunately, we are close to every major grocery store, so I have the wonderful luxury of choosing the best place with the best deals for the week. I’m thinking this week will be Albertsons, but if I go there, I’ll have to do a Costco run. HOW am I going to avoid overspending there?
Grocery Budget Update
Okay, I did go over this week, but not by much. When I did my major grocery shopping last Sunday, I tried to do some deals at Rite Aid and ended up spending more than I should have. I found out a few things later: 1) Rite Aid does give rebates but you have to mail stuff in to get the money back so I won’t be going there. 2) CVS is better. Much better. I did not need to buy Palmolive or Softsoap (even though they were good deals at Rite Aid with coupons and sales) and something else that was expensive at Rite Aid that I really didn’t end up needed. I did need to buy Saline and Opti-Free. I would have stayed under budget had I not bought the Rite Aid stuff and if Hera hadn’t gotten sick. Our Motrin expired and we needed more because Hera has a fever.
So, I went over. Groceries were wwwaaaaaayyyy under. In actual food, I spent $50. I mean, with groceries and household items combined, I probably spend easily between $150-$250 a week. That includes Target, Costco, Henry’s, and Trader Joe’s. I spent $100. That’s $20 over and it won’t happen next week. That is still at least a $50 savings from a good wee. My $80 budget is for groceries AND household items. This is a HUGE cut from what we’d been doing.
All in all, I feel great about it. I had my first try at CVS this morning with no coupons… but I signed up for the Extra Care Bucks program. Saved 50% on all my purchase and earned one extra care buck which is essentially $1 toward my next purchase there. Its a really cool program and you can really work the system to get stuff nearly for free. I’m excited about to be sure!
Ta-Da! Our Budget!!
Here it is in a rough form- I round up, so these are basically averages. I try to overestimate because so many of our bills fluctuate from month to month.
Rent- $1500
Car Insurance- $180 a month over 9 months
Credit Cards- $130 (this will be GONE by the summer!!!)
Phone- $52
Water/Sewer/Trash - $80
Car Payment- $235 (Gone by the end of the summer!!)
Sparkletts- $35
Medical Bills- $50
Student Loan- $102
Gas- $25
Electric- $50
Internet- $44.95
Cell Phones- $82.00
Groceries - $80 a week ($400 for a 5 week month, $336 for a 4 week month). This INCLUDES household items, so its not just food. This will probably be the most difficult for me. I’ll be dealing in cash only and will be HOARDING coupons and sale ads from the newspaper and mail, so if you know me, save your coupons!!! I want them!
Gas- $300 for two cars. This may be an overestimate. I’m going to shoot for a fill-up every 9-10 days instead of every 7-8 days. Doesn’t sound like a big difference, but it adds up.
Tithe- Approximately 5-10% of our gross monthly income. Our church doesn’t have a hard and fast rule about giving- only that you give what you can when you can and that’s what we’ve been doing.
That’s everything… and with this, we come under budget. The rest will go into savings. If I come under budget with the food, that cash will go into an entertainment fund or in savings. I’m happy to report that by the end of the summer, approximately$467/month (or more) in debt will be gone, so that will free us up tremendously to really concentrate on saving. It looks like even with that debt eliminated, I will still have to work. That seems to be the Providence the Lord has handed me.
I think I’ll make a budget spreadsheet to see how we come up every month- under or over. There’s not a whole lot I can do to change the bills that fluctuate. We keep the lights off most of the time and we don’t use the heater very much… but one can always work to conserve. I can’t wait to give a report!!
Financial Shape in 2008!!
I’m sick of overspending. That’s all there is too it. I don’t have a workable budget and while I remember to pay the bills, I am TERRIBLE about sticking to a plan. I have no impulse control. Its awful.
I’ve discovered with great interest that budget shopping is actually a really cool game of sorts. The objective is to beat the stores at their own game. If its possible to get deodorant for free then I want in on it.
Crystal Paine, over at Money Saving Mom, has issued a challenge: Financial Shape in 2008. I’m up for it. I’m there. Count me in. Our first assignment is to work on a budget. Crystal posted her family’s budget on her site. To be honest, its not much more than ours. They live in Kansas, I think. We live in Southern California. I’m really shocked. If they can live off of less than $2500 a month, then I bet we can too. They pay a lot in life/disability insurance. We don’t have any of that. And while we do have a car payment until September and my student loan until April, I completely think we can do this for under $2500. After taxes, that is slightly more than what Mark makes each month.
What if I could “save us” down to one income? I mean, my income is pretty much required because of our huge rent (which we cannot change and we cannot downsize)… but if I could take the burden off myself… well, the sky’s the limit.
